Update

Why, hello. Do you remember me? I’m that person that use to write here, but has been absent for a while.

Okay, so this post is mostly just going to be an update for a few of my internet friends who have been wondering how I’ve been and when I’ll be back to my normal routine. (On a random note, I just realized that because I’m not on my computer using my browser it doesn’t automatically spell check for me. 😦 For someone who really has a trouble with spelling, I miss that feature immensely.)

Basically, I just started school last two weeks ago (seriously, time seems to be flying by and I can’t keep track of it), and it is taking up a lot of my time and effort (16 credits, 4 classes, 3 philosophy courses, 2 upper division, 1 forty-hour civic engagement project, and all classes with a ton of reading and writing!!!). I feel a little overwhelmed by the amount of work that I have to achieve over the semester. I’m pretty much having to talk myself down from a ledge about every other day. Oh, and did I mention that I have to read Kant?

However, school isn’t the only thing affecting my absence from the interwebs. During my first week of class, my temporary housing more or less fell through and I ended up sleeping in my car for a night. (Anyone who offers me pity will…face consequences? I don’t know, I really hate threatening people but it seems to be the most effective way to demonstrate how much I despise pity. It’s such a meaningless emotion.) Now, I’m staying in a pretty run down hotel, which is better than several alternatives. On the downside, though, it has really sent my anxiety to monstrous proportions at times. This has sent me into a little bit of depression, which, in trying to manage it, has me on a somewhat roller coaster of emotions. (For example, I’m sitting at the library writing about this and trying to keep from crying because I’m in a public space and don’t want to be “that crazy woman.” Luckily, it’s Sunday, so there are very few people here.) Pretty much, for the last week and a half, I have little energy to do anything except pull myself out of bed for class. On top of that, I’m feeling completely isolated and as if no one cares. This has caused me to remove myself even more from the internet (which is, for some reason, the only place I’ve found people who seem to give a damn about me).

The good news, after all that shit I just unloaded in the last paragraph, is that I’m starting to come out of it. It seems as though there is a light at the end of the tunnel. (What is with me and idioms today? I really need to stop that.) Things seem to be getting better in the housing department, and I’m getting into a groove a handle on my school work (really most of it is easy. I’m just freaking out about the civic engagement project). I hope to start blogging regularly again, which will most likely be once a week and probably on Sundays (I only have internet access on campus and my laptop is too bulky to carry around, so the library on Sundays is my best bet).

Well, I miss you all. And hope to have more upbeat conversations soon. Now go watch videos of kittens or something to cleanse your emotional palate.

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Truth, Belief or Disorder?

Something a lot of people don’t know about me is that I use to believe I could sense ghosts. Believing in the paranormal was easy for me because I felt, smelled, and saw things that others didn’t. I had no other explanation, so when the idea of mediums and psychics crossed my path, it wasn’t a big jump for me. I had always been different. Maybe I could communicate with the dead.

Eventually, my belief in ghost and the supernatural died. However, I did pick up another explanation for what was happening to me: HSP (highly sensitive person). Basically, an HSP is sensitive to things that others aren’t. There are two different groups when it comes to HSP: the supernatural phenomena group and the natural phenomena group. The first group (the predominant group, as I found out) believe that HSP is sensing the unseen spirit world. I always rejected this group because I didn’t believe in the supernatural. The second group put forth the idea that HSP was a case of having a sensitive nervous system that allows the person to detect subtleties that others don’t. It sounded interesting and the symptoms fit. Over time, though, I began to question the (little) science there was to support and explain it. I decided to shelf the idea, especially after learning more about psychology.

That’s when I started to hear about another condition: synesthesia. If you don’t know what that is, a basic explanation is that in the brain of someone with synesthesia neural connections sometimes get crossed. They can feel color or see sound. Okay, I’m sure that’s as clear as mud, right? Well, this video might be helpful:

Synesthesia only occurs in about 1 in 2000 people, and since it’s a condition that effects perception, most people don’t realize they have it until finding out that others don’t see the world the way they do. There are also numerous different types of synesthesia; no one experiences it the same way.

I’m a synesthete (someone with synesthesia). My main type of synesthesia (which I haven’t come across the technical name for) is that I feel sounds. Now, I don’t feel sounds like I feel touch. It doesn’t feel like something is touching a part of my body. It really isn’t easy to describe to someone who doesn’t know how it feels. Basically, every sound has some sort of feeling attached to it. They encompass the spectrum from painful to pleasant. Metallic scrapping sounds are the worst; it’s like they almost cause physical pain. Ticking sounds (like clocks) can feel somewhat jabbing.

I noticed that something was different when I would talk about how bad certain sounds “felt” and everyone would just look at me. Ever pay attention to the way someone eats with a fork or spoon? Lots of people bite down with their teeth first. This makes a sort of metal scraping noise when their teeth hit the metal object and they pull it away. I can’t be close to people who eat this way. The metal scrapping noise makes me want to scream for them to stop; it’s so painful. It didn’t take me long to realize that not everyone had this same experience. In fact, most people don’t even notice the noise.

I also have another type (that I think is related to the other) when I can see music. I realized this when I would be upset that a musician would make a music video that didn’t “go with the song.” When every I hear a song, I have a pretty clear picture of the music; it’s kind of like it has it’s own personality. Even the sounds of instruments have distinct personalities to me. When different instruments are used in a song, it composes the personality of the song, which then effects the image that I see of the song. I even have a list (not on paper, of course) of the instruments I like because of their sound personalities (1. Violin/viola 2. Piano 3. Acoustic Guitar…).

Well, if you’re still with me and haven’t decided I’m a loony, I’d really like to know what you have to say about synesthesia (you can even answer if you think I’m a loony). I’ve heard so different views about why synesthesia presents it self or if it even really exists*.  A few people have mentioned that it’s a sign of mental illness. I’d love references to that (searching for it hasn’t gone so well). If it is a symptom of mental illness, what are the implications of that? Is it only found in mental ill individuals? Or is it just a symptom that on it’s own could mean nothing?

I go back and forth about how I feel about my synesthesia. I only recently felt comfortable labeling it that. It makes me feel like a nutter when I discuss it (mostly due to the fact that most people look at me weird). Is it possible that I’m creating this and it isn’t real? Do I just accept these views because they make me feel better? I don’t know, but I wish I had the answers.

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*Michael Shermer hints at this in this video. He claims that synesthesia is people being able to feel colors on objects with their skin, which of course is total bunk. Not to mention, it’s a strawperson of what synesthesia actually is. I can’t close my eyes and feel something and know what color it is. And anyone who is claim that they can and that it is synesthesia is pulling one over on you.

Inside My Head

The other night a friend invited me to drinks. I said yes, and he told me that he was inviting one of his other intellectual friends as well. I’m always interested in being around smart people, so this was no problem. However, I don’t have control over some things…mainly, my anxiety. I spent the hours before meeting up with them with my stomach in knots. It got so bad I thought I might be sick or that I should just cancel. This was a casual outing with two people; nothing more. So why was I so anxious?

Well, most people I’ve come across have a hard time understanding. I suffer from what I would define as moderate social anxiety. Moderate because it’s more than the simple anxiety that a lot of people face with new social interactions but not so severe that it interrupts my life extremely.

Basically, this is how it works. I hate things I can’t control, so when I go to a social function, I rehearse different ways things might go. I know that there is no way of knowing exactly how things will play out, but I can cover a variety of options. This helps me feel like I know how to react to almost anything that could come up. It lessens my anxiety, which makes it easier for me to navigate social functions.

I run into a problem when there is a variable, most often a person I don’t know or a situation that I’ve never come across. When I’m meeting someone for the first time, I have no idea how a person is going to react, how well we’ll get along, or if they’ll do something that will make me uncomfortable. I try to do my normal “planning” but it comes back with “Error: Unknown Data.” This means that my anxiety now runs unchecked; there’s no system to keep it at a reasonable rate.

When this happens, I either shut down or try to find something to distract me. I’m not sure which is worse. Shutting down means that I avoid everything. I can’t call anyone; I stay in bed all day. I don’t want to talk, and sometimes I have no appetite. On the other hand, distraction can be anything from talking non-stop (it doesn’t allow my thoughts to settle on the “scary” thoughts) to pulling my hair and other self-mutilating actions*.

So how to I overcome this? Well, I seek to manage it. That’s a daily battle. It’s also important that my friends and loved ones be aware of the problem. This way they don’t push me into things that increase my anxiety.

If you know someone with anxiety disorder, never, and I repeat NEVER, try to push them into doing something** because they just need to “get over it”. It doesn’t help. Be patient and support them. Try to create non-threatening spaces and events, but let them back out if they need to. Don’t make them feel like they are letting you down by not participating in an activity. And most important, listen. There isn’t anything better you can do than use your ears.

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*Just FYI, cutting is not the only form of self-mutilation. And most self-mutilators aren’t trying to kill themselves. A lot of the time, it’s a distraction from what’s going on in one’s mind.

**Of course, the only exception is when they are in danger and refuse to get help.