The other night a friend invited me to drinks. I said yes, and he told me that he was inviting one of his other intellectual friends as well. I’m always interested in being around smart people, so this was no problem. However, I don’t have control over some things…mainly, my anxiety. I spent the hours before meeting up with them with my stomach in knots. It got so bad I thought I might be sick or that I should just cancel. This was a casual outing with two people; nothing more. So why was I so anxious?
Well, most people I’ve come across have a hard time understanding. I suffer from what I would define as moderate social anxiety. Moderate because it’s more than the simple anxiety that a lot of people face with new social interactions but not so severe that it interrupts my life extremely.
Basically, this is how it works. I hate things I can’t control, so when I go to a social function, I rehearse different ways things might go. I know that there is no way of knowing exactly how things will play out, but I can cover a variety of options. This helps me feel like I know how to react to almost anything that could come up. It lessens my anxiety, which makes it easier for me to navigate social functions.
I run into a problem when there is a variable, most often a person I don’t know or a situation that I’ve never come across. When I’m meeting someone for the first time, I have no idea how a person is going to react, how well we’ll get along, or if they’ll do something that will make me uncomfortable. I try to do my normal “planning” but it comes back with “Error: Unknown Data.” This means that my anxiety now runs unchecked; there’s no system to keep it at a reasonable rate.
When this happens, I either shut down or try to find something to distract me. I’m not sure which is worse. Shutting down means that I avoid everything. I can’t call anyone; I stay in bed all day. I don’t want to talk, and sometimes I have no appetite. On the other hand, distraction can be anything from talking non-stop (it doesn’t allow my thoughts to settle on the “scary” thoughts) to pulling my hair and other self-mutilating actions*.
So how to I overcome this? Well, I seek to manage it. That’s a daily battle. It’s also important that my friends and loved ones be aware of the problem. This way they don’t push me into things that increase my anxiety.
If you know someone with anxiety disorder, never, and I repeat NEVER, try to push them into doing something** because they just need to “get over it”. It doesn’t help. Be patient and support them. Try to create non-threatening spaces and events, but let them back out if they need to. Don’t make them feel like they are letting you down by not participating in an activity. And most important, listen. There isn’t anything better you can do than use your ears.
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*Just FYI, cutting is not the only form of self-mutilation. And most self-mutilators aren’t trying to kill themselves. A lot of the time, it’s a distraction from what’s going on in one’s mind.
**Of course, the only exception is when they are in danger and refuse to get help.
Some Things are Random 
I have different kinds of anxiety but I typically use self harm as a means of assessing control when I have no control over what is going on. I panic when it seems like I have alienated people and depending on the severity it leads me to self harm. I do know what it feels like to examine the possibilities of upcoming social interactions but my anxiety is not so much preemptive but rather after I sense I said something socially awkward or off putting.
It’s interesting how the same types of experiences cause different reactions in different people. I can understand where your coming from, and I have problems with some of the same things. But it affects me differently. Anxiety, and self harm, are expressed so differently from person to person. I think this leads to a lot of misunderstanding. And trying to help fix that misunderstanding was one of my motivations in writing this post. It’s also why I talk about it with friends, despite the weird looks.
This post struck me because I know how social anxiety feels. I can’t number the times I have gone to meet people or an event and could not get out of the car and went home instead. I am much improved but I still struggle with it. I would like to say it will just go away one day but….I am 64yrs old and still waiting.Learning breath relaxation has helped most. Please yourself first, be honest with your word and other people’s reactions are beyond your control. Best of luck on your journey.