Embracing the Crazy

When I first set out on this journey, I tried to make it as logical as possible. For myself as well as others. I needed to convince myself that I had good reasons to quit my job and pursue something I wasn’t sure I could accomplish. I needed to have a reason to give others that would explain why I was doing this thing that I knew most of them wouldn’t understand. I did not believe that I needed to have everyone’s approval, but I wanted my family, friends and people I respected to think well of me.

As my journey continued, I found that I could not defend my choices because some were going to find what I was doing crazy no matter what I did. I even thought what I was doing was crazy at times, and I was the one doing it. Even though I know that I can’t please everyone, I still try to please more than I should. My parents, my sisters, close friends, coworkers, people I look up to, people who’ve saw my potential when I didn’t. The list goes on. And all of them have slightly different opinions about what I’m doing. Some support what I’m doing, others support it in theory but question my methods, and some don’t support what I’m doing but accept that I have to do what is right for me. It wasn’t long before I realized that I had to make a difficult decision about what was more important to me: my dream or having others think well of me. Was I willing to do something that many, even maybe myself, thought was crazy?

I accepted the absurdity of my choice rather quickly, but I still felt I couldn’t tell others what I really wanted to do. Questions came so often, and I didn’t know how to answer them. But I knew I needed to hide my true desire. The answer became: “I’m just going to take a little time to figure it out, not rush into things.” When people would ask me what type of job I was wanting, I kept it purposely vague. It was safer that way. I couldn’t tell them the simple truth that I wasn’t looking for a job. I want to pursue my art and writing and maybe find a way through them to make enough money to sustain myself. I’m not looking to be rich; I just want the ability to live a happy life, and a traditional job won’t give me that. I’ve tried.

But now I’m accepting my madness. I can’t change people’s opinions, and there will always be those who think I’ve made the wrong choice–that this is crazy and that I am crazy for doing it. And to them I say you’re right! It is an insane decision to just decide to put all my effort into art and writing. But I’m still taking the plunge. You might want to ask yourself why it bothers you. It might lead to your own enlightenment.

Walking Toward the Mountain

So…I quit my job. I don’t think anyone would argue it was a good job, but many seem to wonder why I would leave without another job lined up.

From coworkers to friends, I’ve been asked to explain my reasons for leaving. Several people have asked me on more than one occasion. Maybe because they do not believe I was truthful the first time, or maybe they are still confused and seek understanding. I admire the latter as I find myself to be a wanderer in search of greater understanding in my life. However, I find that most of those who give the impression of desiring to understand my decision often have a preconceived notion what my reasoning should be. They know what would make them leave their job and expect my reason to be inline with theirs. Of course, my explanation fails because they forget one key thing: I’m not them!

While I do not believe that I need to justify my decision to anyone (except those adversely impacted by my actions–who have been extremely supportive), I do think that writing out my motivations for this choice of actions will help me understand and accept that this is something I need to do. It will help me quell my fears. You see, I’ve been oscillating between being confident of my decision and being convinced I am making a horrible choice that I will soon regret. When I have moments of doubt, I start to list my reasons, and this tends to calm me down–if only temporarily. But these justifications are sometimes challenging to tie down in the midst of the tempest that is my mind. So here is a list of why I’m leaving my job:

1. I don’t like my job. I wouldn’t say I hate my job, but it is obviously not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I work in retail and I’m sure most people working retail would say they don’t like it; you’re not suppose to like it. The things that are important in my job are things that I believe are quite trivial. This leads to another reason for leaving, so:
2. My job conflicts with my values. I had thought for awhile that I needed to find another job, but it wasn’t until the holiday season that it became overwhelmingly clear that I could not continue to work in this place. I’ve had some problems at work with coworkers (who hasn’t unless you are self-employed), but one day I found myself incredibly frustrated. I took a moment to ask myself why I was upset; what was the cause of this precise aggravation? Every department was busy getting ready for Black Friday and the holiday shopping season. There were arguments over floor-space for displays, pressure to get things looking perfect for bigwigs who would be touring the store, and so many displays clogging up the aisles that everyday tasks became difficult to do. While stacking Christmas candy, I realized that what was bothering me, and perhaps had been an issue since I started with the company, was that I was working at a job for a company that is exacerbating what I believe is wrong with humanity. How could I work a job that feeds off the deterioration of humans? And it’s not just this particular company that is the problem; the company I work for is better than many, I’m sure, but it is still a company that is part of a corporation that values profits over people. It’s the first rule of consumerism: the most important people are your customers and you only seek to satisfy them so they’ll give you their money. And your employees? They can be replaced. Now, I don’t want to diminish the efforts of those on a local level who are trying to make things better for employees. I’ve work with some great bosses and coworkers, some who are actively trying to make conditions better for those who work there. But I don’t think they realize how futile their goal is. In the end, it’s about what is most cost effective. Corporations don’t see people they see parts of a machine. If one part is causing a problem, you fix or replace it. And the lower you are on the food chain the more cost effective it is to just replace you. To continue to work for this company would be to say I value one thing while actively doing the opposite.
3. I need to stop running from my fears. I thought that when I finished school I would be relieved and proud of what I accomplished. What I encounter instead was panic and depression. The question everyone asked me (and I was asking myself) was: ‘So what are you going to do now?’ For five and a half years, I had, at least in part, defined myself as a student. It was my identity and I had no idea how to define myself without it. It felt like I had woken up to one of my arms missing. How will I live like this? It had been pretty easy to talk about what I would do after graduation when I was still in school. ‘Well, I’ll get a job and maybe down the road go to grad school.’ It was in the future and I’d worry more about it when it came time. But now was time. The future had become today, and I didn’t know what to do. Many people told me to take my time and not rush into just any job. Looking back, I wished I had listened to them, but as the universe knows, I learn the hard way. As I looked for a job, I was overcome with panic at how unprepared I was to apply for the types of jobs I wanted. Colleges provide a lot of resources to help you move into the job world after graduation, but I had never sought this assistance. I don’t even know how to make a resume. Not to mention, every time I would think about creating a resume I would have the crushing feeling that I haven’t done anything that would make someone want to hire me. And then the fears rolled in. I have loans to need to be paid back. I need income, but the only things I’m qualified for are the same jobs I wanted to get away from when I decided to get my degree. I decided that this was my lot in life: to work menial jobs that payed barely above minimum wage. But the truth is, I feared failure. I couldn’t go after what I really wanted because I might not succeed and so many people were watching, questioning why I went to college. I had worked for the company before and knew that it was a guaranteed job, and it was well within my comfort zone. But the life that happens when you stay in your comfort zone is boring and tragic. I don’t want that. I don’t want to just dream; I want to pursue my dreams. Failure is a much less heartbreaking outcome than never truly living.
4. I want to be happy. I took my job because I needed to make money to pay back my school loans. Any steady job would do in my mind. Even though I hadn’t been happy working for the company before, I told myself that I could still be happy now; it’s all about perspective, right? A friend recently shared a quote from Mike Rowe on Facebook. The gist of the quote is that people should stop looking for the ‘perfect’ career and just get a job, any job, because happiness doesn’t come from a job. In part, I agree. Happiness does not come from external things but from internal decisions and believes. However, I have come to learn that a job can either facilitate or impede your happiness. My job is making it difficult to choose happiness. I believe this has a lot to do with how my job is counter to my values.

These four cover most of my reasons for leaving my job. Facing my fear is the biggest one.

‘Something that worked for me was imagining that where I wanted to be…was a mountain, a distant mountain. My goal. And I knew that as long as I kept walking toward the mountain I’d be alright.’
-Neil Gaiman

Happily Single (and yes, I mean it!!)

So I want to rant. *clears throat* (This should be read in a voice like those drug commercials when they’re telling you all the side effects that you might experience while taking the medicine.) Warning: This post may suffer from incoherence for two reasons: [1] it is an unplanned rant, and, therefore I’m not sure how much control I’ll have over the flow of ideas contain in it; [2] I am currently suffering a cold and my mind is in a fog. Read at your own risk.

I’m single. I’ve always been single. When people hear this they usually ask me why I’ve never been in a relationship (which is code for “What’s wrong with you?”), tell me they’re sorry, or start asking me about my sexual past (because if you have never dated but have had sex then you might be okay, as long as if you’re female you don’t have “too much” sex, but if you haven’t had sex at all there is definitely something wrong, unless you’re celibate for religious/spiritual/moral reasons)*.

In the past, I’ve felt bad about my lack of dating relationships. I’ve dealt with low self-esteem all of my life and not having a partner seemed to prove how worthless I was. No one could want someone like me. However, looking back now, I realize that this is not true since I actually turned down dates with people I wasn’t interested in.

A few years ago I decided to try online dating. I’m not entirely sure now what my motivation was for it. I think I felt pressure to be in a relationship from family and friends. I was also convinced that to be happy I needed someone to “love” in my life. After a couple years and a few different sites, it led to one (awful) date. Let’s just say that it was clear he didn’t want to be there and with my social awkwardness I couldn’t find the courage to just say “Dude, if you want to leave it won’t hurt my feelings.”

But I learned something from that one terrible date: I didn’t really care about being in a relationship, others did. In fact, I’m genuinely happy being single. I like not having to think about someone else when I make decisions about what I want to do for Friday night, the weekend, the summer. I like having my own space and not sharing a bed. Lonely? Not at all, I still have friends and family to share my life with. And love? I’ve got tons of it. From my close friends to my nieces, I love a lot of people. Why designate the word “love” to only one specific type?

Since coming to the happily single camp, I’ve found that time and again I have to defend myself against those who claim that anyone who is “happy being single” is just trying to cover their bitterness about being alone**. People tend to respond my claim that I’m happily single with “Oh yeah, I was ‘happily’ single until I met _______ and realized just how sad and lonely I was.”

And what frustrates me the most is the single women who claim to be happy but pine after a relationship. Seriously, I’m tired of my female friends who get out of bad relationships claiming that they “just want to be single for awhile and not search for a relationship” and then ask every person who shows even the slightest bit of interest in them “where is this going?” All the while claiming that they’re happy being single. Obviously, you’re not so just stop claiming that you are. You make it even more difficult for people like me who are dismissed because “no one is truly happy being single.”

No, I’m not “waiting for the right one”. I’m not happily single because it’s the only option for me at this moment. Yes, I might at some point choose to enter a relationship (I can’t predict the future and I have nothing against romantic relationships in general). But I really do enjoy being single at the moment. Since I no longer feel the need to grasp for romantic relationships, I’ve found that I get to connect with more people because I’m not focused on whether they’re going to be someone I want to date. And I’ve learned to accept who I am and not worry about what a partner might not like about me.

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*To be honest, I’ve never understood the implied connection between whether a person has had sex and their worth as an individual.
**Because given our culture’s focus on getting married and having children being the appropriate path for adulthood, being single= loneliness.

The Power of Fiction

Since I’m out of school, I have a lot of time on my hands (time that I could be way more productive with). One thing I’ve been doing with my time is watching a lot of TV and movies. Someone suggested that I watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer because I had never seen it before (yes, I know, I lived a sheltered life in the 90s).

In the fourth season, Willow’s story arc involves the leaving of her boyfriend, Oz, and her developing a relationship with a fellow (female) witch, Tara. When Oz comes back, Willow is left with the difficult decision of who to be with. She realizes that she still has feelings for Oz, but that she can’t ignore the deep relationship she has with Tara. She doesn’t want to hurt either one, but knows that she must choose one or the other.

While watching this story unfold, I had a thought that I’ve had quite often: why not date both? In a polyamorous relationship, not a cheating sense. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have an openly poly (good) character?

Too often, characters who date more than one person are used to reinforce monogamy as the only suitable relationship state. In the fourth season of Bones, there is an episode where we learn that Dr. Brennan is seeing two different men. She makes some pretty good arguments about why monogamy is flawed. However, Brennan is not being honest with the two men and is keeping her dual relationships a secret to both of them. In the end, her secret comes out, and they both dump her. End lesson: anything other than monogamy leads to disaster. This portrayal is flawed, of course. In a truly poly relationship, all parties should be fully informed of other relationships.

Last night, I tweeted my desire to see an openly poly protagonist in a show or movie. I got a response asking me if a documentary would suffice. Documentaries have a distinct audience. You’re not going to hear a majority of people raving about the newest documentary. That being said, documentaries do work to make people aware of something they might not have come across any other way. They can make us think about life from someone else’s perspective and may change our opinions. However, they can also make us aware of something that we still think is “wrong” or “weird”. Documentaries, in my opinion, have limited affect on society.

So why do I think it’s more important to have a fictional character that is poly? Simple: fiction has a lot of power over the way we think about things. One of the things I have loved about my literature classes is seeing how a writer could weave a new concept into a story during a time when it would not have gone over well with the general public. I even wrote 5 papers about this with an emphasis on the topic of race in writing. (I’m sure I annoyed the hell out of that professor. I imagine that by the time he got the 5th paper he could predict what my topic was.) This is best said in a line from the movie Anonymous:

“All art is political, Johnson. Otherwise, it would just be decoration. And all artists have something to say. Otherwise, they’d make shoes.”

Any writer who says they don’t have an ideas to get across is either lying or in it only for the money*. The point of writing fiction is to try out new ideas that one cannot in our reality. You can sneak ideas into the readers consciousness that they would never even consider in life. Once a reader makes a connection to a character, they will face some cognitive dissonance if they’re favorite character is doing something they deem wrong or shameful. The reader will have to examine these new ideas, which can lead to a change in their views. Fiction changes minds more than you think.

I want to make something very clear, though. Writers are not trying to brainwash people. You have control over your mind (to a point, of course); I, or any other writer, can’t infiltrate it and plant control devices. Writers are doing the same thing anyone who is trying to show why their point of view is better is doing. We just use different methods. I have no desire to control anyone, but I do desire to make things better and, hopefully, encourage people to try and understand other points of view.

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*Writing simply to make money seems odd to me. Having something published (unless you;re helped along by fame or family) is rarely a sure thing, and even if you get published there is no way to know how well the work will be received. Choosing to become a writer is a gamble, and I’d say that most people who write don’t choose it. Unfortunately, it chose me. I explain to people that I “suffer the literary muse” with emphasis on the suffer part. It’s rarely enjoyable for me.

Finding Me

“You can piss your whole life away trying out who you might be. It’s when you’ve worked out who you are that you can really start to live.” -Being Human (U.K.)

I use to suppress most of my feelings of who I was. It was required for me to continue living as a Christian, as a good daughter, and as someone that everyone approved of. I hated my life back then. I was miserable, and no one cared that I was. I’m sure that most people had no clue that I was so sad, but I can’t help thinking that that is due to the lack of trying to understand what made me happy.

After I left religion, I realized I had a lot to unpack. From shitty beliefs about how evil I was to the self sacrifice that had become routine. I can say now that that was the easy part. I mean, it felt tough at the time. I had to assert myself, which had never been easy for me (always accompanied by guilt). I had to learn to say “I don’t know” and be okay with it (and I really am now).

I learned to live my life more in tune with who I was. For awhile, I had to keep reminding myself I wasn’t a terrible person for wanting to be who I am (I still have to remind myself of that on an almost daily basis). I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past few years, somethings that I knew before and some that I learned through the process.

What I didn’t know until rather recently was that I’m nowhere near the bottom of hidden desires and parts of me. Some of it’s difficult to handle. I still have to live with the people who aren’t happy with the changes I’ve made so far, and that makes me cautious about further changes. On the other hand, I don’t want to stop this journey. I feel better about my life and myself all the time.

I like who I am, even while I’m still discovering who that is. It’s painful to love who you are while others hate you for it. Makes you realize that a lot of people can be extremely selfish. They’ll try to get you to be the person they want you to be because they think their opinion is best. It amazes me how those people in my life never think about the effects of their choice, how unhappy it makes me. It’s made even worse by the fact that these people are close family members that I love. Maybe I’m a little selfish too, but I’m going to continue my journey. I can’t go back to being miserable.

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Dieting: An Exercise in Unhappiness

I play Words with Friends on Facebook. I pretty much suck at it, so if you are looking for an opponent you can kick the ass of, I’m a good choice. However, that’s not the point. I noticed the other day that one of the ads you that pop up after you play a word is for a diet supplement (I’m not sure of the name, which really isn’t important anyway). On this ad, there is a silhouette of an very overweight women that shrinks until she disappears. I find this image says more than was intended by the advertising department of the company. When I see it (it is one of a handful of ads they rotate through), I can’t help but think of the problem with our diet obsession.

Whatever happen to being happy with your body? I’m not sure I know a single woman who is. I’ve had friends that told me that they love the way they look even though they don’t fit the skinny ideal. For one such friend, this only seemed to last until she got a boyfriend and then she started dieting. Is she happy with her body? Um…no! I’m sure she’d still say she is, but how can you be happy with something your trying to change? And these changes aren’t for health, just in case someone is going to try to go there. She had a physical before starting her weight loss journey and she is perfectly health. No high cholesterol, no high glucose levels, nothing out of the norm, nothing to be concerned about. From my understand, she wasn’t even told by a doctor to lose weight (which would have been stupid on the doctor’s part since her weight wasn’t having a negative effect on her health). No, she needed to be thin because that is what is beautiful in our society. This is what I find sad*.

Another friend of mine had such low self-esteem because she didn’t have a boyfriend or have children and she was approaching the scary age of 30. She was depressed and convinced that her life was meaningless. She was convinced that losing weight would fix the problem. Her solution involved a weight loss program where you eat very little real food. It’s all shakes and expensive supplements. There’s a big problem with this: it can’t be maintained long term unless you continue to use those shakes. (Also, it costs a shit ton of money, especially for those supplements which do NOTHING!!!!**) Funny how they get you hooked on something saying you’ll only need it only while losing weight and then rake in the money from people who continue to take them because they are afraid to gain back any weight. The friend did lose a lot of weight (something like 80 pounds), but never really fixed her eating problem. She did get a boyfriend (not a good one in my opinion), but the low self-esteem still remained. That’s because she didn’t fix the problem. Sure, people treated her different, but there was still a lot of hurt there. No amount of compliments will fill the hole left by hating yourself.

I’m also tired of seeing slender women put themselves through hell to fix “problems” that don’t really exist. This is due to the fact that they are striving to look like the highly photoshopped images in magazines. They see bulges where none exist. They think that only flat abs are attractive. This is complete bullshit! I don’t like any women being told she must change to be accepted by others, but it’s extremely sad when a woman who is relatively slim believing she is fat and unattractive.

Now before anyone gets the wrong idea: I don’t think that eating healthy and exercise are bad in and of themselves. If you want to be stronger, lift weights by all means. If you want to compete in athletic completion, you’re going to have to train and eat well. If you have a condition or health concern that requires you avoid certain foods or lose weight, you should follow a diet that achieves the results you need. This is not I disagree with. I also don’t think it’s a bad thing to participate in some form of physical exercise to stay health. But the focus should be on health and happiness, not weight.

It shouldn’t be our goal to achieve a certain standard that has been deemed good by the collective. I think we should start questioning the standard of beauty. We should examine why we think some people need to be shamed into submission (I haven’t met many people who don’t at least think this is some form). We need to value people for who they are, not what they look like. What is important about how someone looks? Other than how they look next to you in pictures. And if that’s all you care about, maybe you should start with self-reflection. Are you really as good of a person as you think?

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*What’s even more interesting is that she pities me because I’m “overweight” and sometimes have a down day. Her fix? “I’d take you to Zumba if you had the money.” What the fuck?! So I’m not good enough the way I am? Here let me tell you what you need to do: change yourself.
**Just to clarify, it can be said that they do work psychologically. That’s all. Basically, you take them before meals which makes you more aware of what you eat. It’s a mind trick.

Shifting Views

I have made it one of principles in life to always question and examine what I believe and the positions I hold on how I live my life. I try to make sure that I am constantly looking at the opposing arguments and really examining if they have any merit. If I find that they do, I change my views accordingly. If they don’t have any merit (or there are other counter-arguments that have more merit), I make sure that I can logically defend my dismissal of the argument; this leads to a stronger case for the things that I do I believe (even though they could still shift given new information).

I think this is important for everyone to do (and I wish more would do it…more evenhandedly). However, it means that, from time to time, I find that I have embraced a view that I formally thought I never would. This can be somewhat funny when I realize it. Whether during a conversation or when contemplating alone, I usually think something like, “Well…fuck, I’m a feminist!”

I use this example because it is one of the most recent ones. (In fact, just the other night I “confirmed” that I could not claim any longer not to be one.) Now don’t get me wrong: I think being a feminist is a good thing…now. Whether we want to believe it or not, there are strong influences in our culture that favor men over women and designate how each should act (most often negatively impacting females). It is important that we work to change these views whenever possible. Of course, though, I didn’t always feel this way.

You see, my former self would never have liked being a feminist. It was a bad word (much like “atheist” is to fundamental Christians). I grew up in a Christian household, and although it wasn’t extremely conservative (I was never forced to wear dresses all the time, keep my hair long, or only do “feminine” tasks) it was still understood, through church teachings, that the highest calling for a woman was to be a godly wife and mother. I believed this and also felt that those more conservative elements were also of high esteem. (This is why when I watch 19 Kids and Counting it makes me think, “I use to believe this same shit?”) At the time, I couldn’t understand why any woman would want to do anything else. I mean, it was a wonderful thing to serve God by serving your husband and children. It helped that I really loved children. I couldn’t wait to have my own, and I wanted a ton of them (more similarities to the Duggars). I also liked cooking and sewing (mostly because, as I know now, I love creating things). I fit perfectly into the mold of a submissive household (except for a few things that I just tried to repress, but that is another post). 

Because of this, my opinion of feminists was skewed. I saw them as angry and whiny. It seemed that they wanted to tell every woman how to live her life, and I simply wanted to be left to make my own decisions. I believed that I was making my own choice based on what I wanted (to a point this may have been true but it was still heavily influenced by my surroundings). Even after I left religion behind, I still didn’t think that I was a feminist. I could agree with the “some” ideas of feminism but I wasn’t sure it was as bad as feminists made it out to be. They always seemed to be making a big deal out of the tiniest things, throwing fits and causing all kinds of drama.

This view started to unravel when I went back to school. Through sociology, psychology, and philosophy classes I realized that there was definitively something to feminism and its importance in the realm of ideas. This last term I had a conversation that made me realize that my point of view was shifting. The last reading we did in philosophy was that of Mary Wollstonecraft and women’s rights. My classmate told me that she didn’t really do the reading partly because she felt that feminists were “whiny” and went over board with their ideas. As soon as she said this, I realized that I no longer believed that to be true. In fact, I knew that I agreed with the ideas expressed by feminists and felt that they needed to be fought for. I finally had to admit that I was a feminist.

Childhood Indoctrination: It Works, But For All The Wrong Reasons

      Religion is interesting for many reasons. One that really strikes me is that it makes people say and believe some truly questionable things. First, there are the people who say, “God works in mysterious ways” when presented with facts that don’t fit into their religious view of the world. Also, there are those who say that God answers prayers, but those answers only seem to come to people who were likely to get what they wanted without prayer. Then, there is the one thing I really hate to hear from the religious: praise for childhood indoctrination and its “proof” that God is real.
      One of my Facebook friends wrote a status update the other day raving about how her daughter (who is about 2) offered a prayer thanking God for healing her daddy’s head (he apparently bumped his head, nothing serious). This friend was so proud of her daughter. It was like she had done something good.

      It was thought of a good partly because the parents see this as something done of her own volition. Religious people believe that God must exist and be working in our lives if children can understand his message since they have no logical skills. If that were truly what was going on, I would be willing to admit that they had a point.
      However, I hate to burst your bubble, but she did not choose to do this based on her own will. She did it because she has been taught that this action is good. She gets rewarded for it! This is seen simply in her parents actions (and decision to brag on social media) after the she did something that they value. This reinforces this behavior; in essence, she is being trained. It is merely parroting, and the act has no real meaning to her other than that it makes her feel good because she is pleasing her parents.
      This action is important to her parents, and others who agree with them, because of their own beliefs and the value they assign to certain things in life. They are excited because this makes them think that this child will follow in their footsteps. This is very important because their religion teaches them that anyone who does not adhere to this belief system will face torture for all eternity. Since they love their child, they don’t want this to happen.
      Most people have a “to each his own” view when it comes to things like this. However, I find a problem with childhood indoctrination and it is something I feel strongly about. By telling a child something is true that is unfounded, you set up the framework of faulty logic. It has been shown through psychology that if someone is taught to believe something in childhood that it is very hard for them to change that belief as an adult, even when faced with evidence to the contrary. This puts a favorite Bible verse of those who defend doing this in a new light:

 “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6 NIV).

This verse is “true” because of psychology not because it is the inspired word of God. However, as psychology points out, this applies to all beliefs including those that are just simply false or those that are extremely destructive in nature (I’m going to shy away from using “evil” since this is a subjective description).
      The former may have little effect other than that the person holding such beliefs will be ill-informed. For example, those who believe in Creationism. Most of the time, this belief hurts people on a personal level because they are limit in what they can learn because they are denying a scientific fact. (There are some exceptions to this but in general it is true.)
      The latter can have extreme consequences. Beliefs that have to do with hatred fall into this category.  Most of these beliefs are based on the idea that one group being better than another. They lead to the person holding these beliefs justifying all kinds of wrongs. Christians are taught that those who reject God are bad or evil. God says to resist evil at all costs and to fight against it. Therefore, it is perfectly justified to make your neighbor your enemy if you are saving your soul from hell. These beliefs are extremely dangerous, and we need to work to stop them when ever we can.
      Starting a child down this road isn’t fair for the child. They have no choice, and they know no better. We should be encouraging children to develop the ability to discover what is right and wrong on their own. We should teach them how to question beliefs to see if they are founded on truths. In order to do this, we must set aside our beliefs, otherwise we still end up leading them down a path that may not be true. Some may say that if we don’t step in and tell children what is right and wrong they will never develop morals. This would happen if we let children get away with everything they did. However, if we teach children to reason about the outcome of an action, they will learn what is right and wrong and be better able to improve their own beliefs in the future. They may not come to the exact same conclusions as their parents, but shouldn’t a parent want their child to find the truth and not live a lie?

The Right to Choose

      I’m having an off day. Usually, I can sort through what I’m feeling with greatest ease. I can find the root of the problem, sometimes with help from a friends counsel. However, today I’m not going to get that counsel, so I’m going to have to find another way to sort out my thoughts. Therefore, I’ve decided to write here, which will break my principle about not making this blog a personal diary. Sorry, I need the therapy. For those of you who might read this, I will try to make it about the general questions I have and not just personal bitching.
      There are two things that are frustrating me right now, although, I will choose just one to write about: sex. There are so many things to say about this topic (too many to cover in several posts, let alone one), so I’m going to stick to the one question that weighs heavy on my mind right now: is there no room left for monogamy?

      First off, I need to address the fact that I find nothing wrong with casual sex. I believe in sex positivism; I think everyone should be able to choose to have sex how they see fit. I’ve known people who have partners that they can call up just for sex, and I think that is great. Also, I don’t see why someone can’t have multiple partners in a committed relationship (i.e. polygamy). I like seeing people who are so free about sex. It is important to challenge social norms about sex and relationships.
       Which brings me to my issue: is my choice to not have these types of relationships just a result of social conditioning? If I see the value of casual sex relationships for some people, does that mean that I should abandon myself to the same view? If I can see that this is something lots of people enjoy, am I being close-minded by not wanting to adopt this principle for my life? Is there something wrong with the way I view sex?
      It is probably true that the way I was raised has some bearing on my views on sex. My upbringing influences a lot of things in my life; we are all products of our past. This isn’t bad as long as I make an effort to think critically about the views I have and examine if they are logical. But just because there are influences that lead to my opinions, does that mean I should get rid of them and do the opposite? Isn’t this pressure from others just another influence that is acting on me?
      I have found that a lot more people are coming out and challenging the old-fashion idea that monogamy is the only good form of sexual relationships. I love this!!! I think me need to challenge propriety for the same reason we need to challenge any ideas: we learn which are based on reason and which are just based on faulty logic. However, when it comes to the topic of sexual relationships, I think that it is a personal right to choose which is best for yourself. I’m tired of hearing people try to convince me that if I just tried it and got past my “uneasiness” I would find that having multiple partners is the best thing.
      I’m not buying! I know that casual sex in the form of open relationships isn’t for me because I KNOW myself. In a committed relationship, I would expect the other person to want to make me happy just as I would strive to make them happy. I could try to force myself to be okay with them sleeping with other people, but it wouldn’t make me really okay with it. If I am in a relationship, I expect my partner to honor that relationship. For me, that means sexual fidelity because I see sex as form of intimacy. My definition of intimacy: allowing someone to see the things that make up my “self” that I don’t let the rest of the world see. This is why I can’t be okay with multiple partners at the same time: the intimacy would be broken.
      Just to make this clear: I find nothing wrong with others choosing sexual relationships other than what is right for me. We are all different; how could one option be expected to be right for everyone? I just want the respect of others in my right to choose monogamous relationships.

Big Goals…The Only Way to Accomplish Big Things

Lately, things in my life have gotten me thinking about ambitions. Most people (Maybe all? Can anyone make the argument that someone doesn’t have something they want to accomplish in life?) have them and are ready to tell anyone who asks what their goals are. However, I’ve noticed that there are a lot of people who want something in life but never do anything to get what they want. What is even worse is that sometimes these same people even end up making choices that move them farther from their goals and, in some cases, make their dreams almost unattainable. A lot of times this seems to come from their idea that they can’t obtain their goals, which you never know if you never try.

     One thing I’ve noticed about people who fall into this group is that they are the only thing that stands in the way of getting what they want. They never take any initiative to get where they want to be; they’ll talk for hours about how they want to be a great writer, or become a nurse, or work in a certain field, but that is all they do: talk.  This talking eventually leads to an inevitable point:  how sad and depressed the person is that they aren’t where they want to be in life. They seem to only want pity because when you mention that they have the power to change their life they whine about not having any power. They see themselves as victims and want others to coddle them.

     I’ve realized recently that I don’t want to be one of these people. I’m through entertaining (no matter how brief) thoughts that I can’t do something I want to. I will sent goals and work to accomplish them. I know that I may not make it to the exact place where I wanted to be (from my current point of view), but at least I will have tried. Plus, along the way, I might find that there is something else that is a better fit for me. I’ll discover things about myself; I’ll learn amazing new things. Ultimately, I will be the person I want to be.

     One of the hardest parts I’ve found about such a mindset is that there will always be other people who are critical of your dreams. They will tell you that it isn’t possible for you to accomplish your goal and try to convince you to make a “more realistic” goal. Usually, the people who are saying this are also far from the dreams they want. It seems that those who aren’t living their dreams want to keep in the same thinking. The best thing to do is to take those comments and use them as motivation to chase your dreams.