Happily Single (and yes, I mean it!!)

So I want to rant. *clears throat* (This should be read in a voice like those drug commercials when they’re telling you all the side effects that you might experience while taking the medicine.) Warning: This post may suffer from incoherence for two reasons: [1] it is an unplanned rant, and, therefore I’m not sure how much control I’ll have over the flow of ideas contain in it; [2] I am currently suffering a cold and my mind is in a fog. Read at your own risk.

I’m single. I’ve always been single. When people hear this they usually ask me why I’ve never been in a relationship (which is code for “What’s wrong with you?”), tell me they’re sorry, or start asking me about my sexual past (because if you have never dated but have had sex then you might be okay, as long as if you’re female you don’t have “too much” sex, but if you haven’t had sex at all there is definitely something wrong, unless you’re celibate for religious/spiritual/moral reasons)*.

In the past, I’ve felt bad about my lack of dating relationships. I’ve dealt with low self-esteem all of my life and not having a partner seemed to prove how worthless I was. No one could want someone like me. However, looking back now, I realize that this is not true since I actually turned down dates with people I wasn’t interested in.

A few years ago I decided to try online dating. I’m not entirely sure now what my motivation was for it. I think I felt pressure to be in a relationship from family and friends. I was also convinced that to be happy I needed someone to “love” in my life. After a couple years and a few different sites, it led to one (awful) date. Let’s just say that it was clear he didn’t want to be there and with my social awkwardness I couldn’t find the courage to just say “Dude, if you want to leave it won’t hurt my feelings.”

But I learned something from that one terrible date: I didn’t really care about being in a relationship, others did. In fact, I’m genuinely happy being single. I like not having to think about someone else when I make decisions about what I want to do for Friday night, the weekend, the summer. I like having my own space and not sharing a bed. Lonely? Not at all, I still have friends and family to share my life with. And love? I’ve got tons of it. From my close friends to my nieces, I love a lot of people. Why designate the word “love” to only one specific type?

Since coming to the happily single camp, I’ve found that time and again I have to defend myself against those who claim that anyone who is “happy being single” is just trying to cover their bitterness about being alone**. People tend to respond my claim that I’m happily single with “Oh yeah, I was ‘happily’ single until I met _______ and realized just how sad and lonely I was.”

And what frustrates me the most is the single women who claim to be happy but pine after a relationship. Seriously, I’m tired of my female friends who get out of bad relationships claiming that they “just want to be single for awhile and not search for a relationship” and then ask every person who shows even the slightest bit of interest in them “where is this going?” All the while claiming that they’re happy being single. Obviously, you’re not so just stop claiming that you are. You make it even more difficult for people like me who are dismissed because “no one is truly happy being single.”

No, I’m not “waiting for the right one”. I’m not happily single because it’s the only option for me at this moment. Yes, I might at some point choose to enter a relationship (I can’t predict the future and I have nothing against romantic relationships in general). But I really do enjoy being single at the moment. Since I no longer feel the need to grasp for romantic relationships, I’ve found that I get to connect with more people because I’m not focused on whether they’re going to be someone I want to date. And I’ve learned to accept who I am and not worry about what a partner might not like about me.

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*To be honest, I’ve never understood the implied connection between whether a person has had sex and their worth as an individual.
**Because given our culture’s focus on getting married and having children being the appropriate path for adulthood, being single= loneliness.

The List

A friend of mine posted a list the other day of things she is looking for in a romantic partner. I felt inspired, so I thought I would compile my own list. Here it goes:

Ideal Mate

…I don’t make lists because I know people rarely conform to my vision of how they should be.

My friends list contain some examples of exactly why I find lists problematic.

“Someone who tells me I’m beautiful every day, whether I’ve just crawled out of bed or I’ve spent the morning trying to make myself look my best.”

I find it silly to require someone to tell me something that I need to work on believing myself. It doesn’t matter how many times someone I love tells me I’m beautiful, it won’t mean a thing if I don’t believe it. Self-confidence isn’t something others can develop for you. It has little to do with how others see but how you see yourself. Getting someone to tell you you’re beautiful seems like taking the easy way out.

Also, requiring that they say it every day? Completely unrealistic. Sure, at the beginning of a relationship, it could happen. But all relationships go through tough times. Times when saying nice things to each other isn’t easy. Would I really want someone to say something to me when they’re mad and I know they don’t mean it? How could I trust that they meant it any other time? And that defeats the purpose of having them say it in the first place.

I also wonder what she would think if she flipped this: What if she was required to say something nice (a specific sentiment, not a general nice comment) to her partner every day regardless of whether she felt like it or even meant it? Being obligated to do something negates any meaning behind it and goes against the idea of someone loving who you are. We tend to place a high value on loving out of our freedom. Most of us would be taken aback by the idea that a lover would make such demands. If they really loved us, they wouldn’t need to force us to behave the way they want.

“Likes to pamper me on occasion, but not all the time. I like to feel pampered, but not waited on hand and foot.”

Ugh! I hate hearing women say this. Mostly, I just want to tell the women who say this that obviously they really don’t want a real relationship; they want a fairy tale. They’ve bought into the idea that men are suppose to take care of women. Or, since my friend is bisexual and purposely made this list about an ideal “mate” not her ideal “man”, that women are suppose to be taken care of. Sorry, I’m a grown up and can take care of myself. Don’t get me wrong. Relationships are built on the idea of people caring for each other, which does including doing things or giving things to the other person. At least she realizes that this pampering would not be pleasant all the time.

“Enjoys gaming occasionally, but not constantly, and doesn’t yell at the tv when the game goes wrong.”

This one just makes me laugh because I imagine the breakup that follows finding out that a partner doesn’t keep their cool when playing video games. “I’m sorry. We’re not going to work out because you got mad when you died in that game. And, I’m sorry, I just can’t date someone who isn’t calm and collected every moment of the day.”  I think it’s important take into account each other’s interests in determining if a relationship is going to work. If someone spends a lot of time doing something you’re not into, that could be a problem. I don’t think the answer is to dictate how they should act towards that interest. You’re the one who needs to decide if you can live with the amount of time your partner spends on a certain activity.

“Must be at least slightly taller than me when standing flat footed. I don’t care about wearing high heels.”

Really? ‘Cause height is so important to how well I relate to someone.

“Non-smoker, and no drugs.

Drinks on occasion, such as holidays, but not every night.”

I’m pretty sure she means “no illegal drugs” not “no drugs”. These two items aren’t necessarily bad. I do understand that there are problems with dating someone who drinks a lot more than you do, or someone who smokes if you’re a non-smoker. If you are strictly opposed to smoking pot, you’re probably not going to have a very happy relationship with someone who uses marijuana regularly. I get that. However, over the years, I’ve come to realize these things have little to do with whether someone is worth having in my life.

I use to buy into the whole list idea. I still don’t think it’s a completely bad idea. I have a “list” too. Although, my list is focused on negative traits that I just can’t stand. The list is relatively short and only slightly different than the list of things I look for in friends. Also, it’s not really a list but things that I value.

I value using logic and reason to make decisions. I value compassion for others. I value striving to make yourself a better person. I value trying taking understand others’ points of view. And so on. People who embody these characteristics are people who I naturally want in my life. And maybe to date. But I know that those people will not always live up to these ideals. I want to get to know unique people and maybe as a bonus find someone to love. No lists required.

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Standing Apart

I stand out from others a lot. I’m an introvert; the majority of the population are extroverts. Most of my friends (especially the women) spend an immense amount of time seeking relationships and then, quite often, trying to “fix” those relationships that aren’t what they want. My desire to be in a relationship is greatly outweighed by my desire to be myself, no matter what. I deal with moderate to severe social anxiety that keeps me from going to random social gatherings; most of my friends jump at the chance to try new things. I like to think about things before I react and hate following the crowd just for loyalty’s sake; several of my friends spend little time thinking before acting, or reacting.

I’m beginning to think I’m not meant for friendships. Apparently, there are unwritten rules about what I, as a friend, am obligated to do. I hate most of these rules. Mostly I hate the one that says I’m suppose to take the side of those who share a gender with me, cause you know, vagina loyalty is extremely important*.

I’ll never do this, even if it means I don’t get to have friends. I also don’t want the same kind of friend in return. I want my friends to tell me when they think I’m wrong. If they don’t, who can I count on to let me know when I make a mistake? And if no one points out my mistakes, how can I fix them?

I’d rather have a good discussion than have someone just confirm my beliefs without even thinking about it. This is why I love having people around me who have completely different views than I do. Sure, we won’t always get along; we may even get into some extremely heated conversations that don’t end with someone being persuaded from their position. But at least I’ll be challenged to reconsider my position. If I can still hold it after being confronted with an alternative viewpoint, I’ll have a stronger defense for it.

So I guess I’m doomed to be alone eternally. I’m really okay with that. I’d much rather be alone than be around someone whose ideas I have to accept no matter what lest I be a bad friend. I will continue to want to improve myself, and hopefully those around me by extension, throughout this life process.

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*Points if you get the reference.:)

Climbing Out

I had a rough day yesterday. Not one that that caused me harm, physically or emotionally, but that made me really contemplate life and consider giving up*. I’m still thinking about everything that bothered me, so I’m going to use my blog to work out the tangled thoughts in my mind. I guess the easiest way is just to go through the day event by event.

I spent the day hanging out with a friend. This is the same friend that I had declared our friendship over not too long ago. I know, I know, I can’t seem to stay away from the fire that burns me. Maybe I just want to believe the best of everyone. I know I should probably try to change this, but I really like it about myself. Don’t misunderstand, if someone really fucks me over, I won’t ever let them completely back in my life. However, I realize that people make mistakes and sometimes deserve a second or third chance. I never forget what they did, and sometimes I never trust them the same way again. To paraphrase one of my professors, “I’ll never stop believing that people can change as long as I’m still breathing.”

This friend just broke up with her boyfriend, who was one of the main reasons I distanced myself from her. To sum up my dislike of him, he called me psycho for disagreeing with him, he was a sexist anti-feminist prick, and just overall douchebag. I also think that he had a little bit of influence over my friend’s stances on subjects that he was passionate about (like how much he hated feminism). When they broke up, I knew she need some support. I may think he is a terrible person, but she loved him and was devastated by the breakup.

I started hanging out with her again under somewhat probationary terms; I’m keeping her at arms length until I really know if we can still have a friendship. For the most part, I’ve been thinking things are decent between us. Plus, I have no problem being friends with someone I disagree with; I have a libertarian friend for fuck sake, and he and I disagree on almost everything. However, it can be really hard to be around people who are stuck in their ways and, because of that, say things that actually hurt.

I arrived at her house early in the day. We were suppose to go do some running around (tattoo parlor for price quotes, adult shop for some browsing), but we ended up not going. Instead, we had a very long discussion with her sister-in-law. I think it is useful to know that there is an age gap between this friend and me, not a big one but she is on the other side of 25 from me**. Her sister-in-law is almost 21 and thinks she knows everything there is to know about the world. I can’t blame her; I’m sure I felt the same way at her age.

Our conversation ended up hitting some topics that I prefer not to get into with just everyone. This isn’t because I want to “be right”. I have no problem having these conversations with someone who disagrees with me. I do have a problem with having these discussions with someone who is just going to vehemently repeat their position over and over again without considering what the other person is arguing. I usually try to figure out a person’s argument capabilities before I jump into complex subjects. I didn’t know enough about how my friend’s sister-in-law argued to want to talk about these subjects.

First, we started on politics. Sister-in-law mentioned that labels were stupid and we should all stop using them. I pointed out that I think labels have some value as a way to shorthand things. She, and friend, countered with “They’re still stupid!” Then sister-in-law went into a rant about how the government was cutting military spending (I wonder where she gets her news) and how stupid that was. I remained silent, hoping someone would change the subject. But friend decided to point out the silence, and this pushed me to answer (trying to fly over the subject). Sister-in-law is extremely biased on this subject because her husband of just a few months just joined the Marines. She also refused to think that she could be wrong. I had nothing more to say as I try to keep my complaints about the military and our country’s obsession with it silent, especially around military families. I’m not anti-military, but I do think we have some flaws on that topic.

After that, sister-in-law went on a yelling rant (to be fair, she yells about a lot of things, good or bad) about her tax dollars paying for anchor babies and food stamps. I’m guessing she watches a lot of Fox News. She told us how she thinks you should have to pass a drug test to get food stamps. Friend agreed.

This is a topic that really pisses me off. First of all, the idea that someone doesn’t deserve food assistance because of their drug habits is a stance manufactured by the right to make it sound okay to cut programs that help the poor. It seems like a no-brainer, but here’s the thing: when something seems like an easy decision, that’s the very time you should be questioning it. Second, this idea equates drug use with being lazy. That’s a stereotype. And I’m sure that most of us realize that stereotypes are never always right. I’ve known several people who liked to get high after a long day at work. They weren’t lazy. They didn’t shrug off responsibilities. They didn’t spend their days eating junk food and smoking pot. They just needed to unwind every now and then. Some people smoke cigarettes or drink (or both) to accomplish this, and, for the most part, we don’t think it means that they deserve to go hungry.

So after both of them agreed how drug testing as a requirement to get food assistance is a good idea, I asked them to tell me why a 3 year old child deserved to go without food because their parent gets high. Sister-in-law’s verbatim response was, “That’s what soup kitchens are for.” Friend pretty much agreed and said that that was an unfortunate circumstance, but really none of her concern. I was floored.

Just to address that, soup kitchens and food banks are currently over run. The one across from the college I attended would have a line for hours before it opened. I’m sure that a good portion of those people left with no food, or very little food. Also, soup kitchens are usually only open for one or two meals a day. They also can only help so many people and have to turn away hungry people all the time. Plus, fewer people are willing to go to these places than the welfare office to apply for food assistance. Yes, it’s pride. And I’m sure a lot of people think they should “just get over it”, but it hurts to know people are judging you (which they are) for not being able to afford food.

I also tried to point out that not all pot smokers are unemployed welfare leaches. This was met with even more resistance. Friend responded, “Well, they have responsibilities so they shouldn’t be smoking pot.” I restated that I was talking about someone who only did it on their days off and had a full time job. She stood by her response, and I asked her if she would feel the same way about someone who had a couple drinks. If pot isn’t acceptable, why don’t we make alcohol unacceptable too? She thought that was a good idea. She continued her rant with “If I don’t have money for internet, than I go without it. They should do the same.” I felt like I wanted to cry.

Here’s the thing: she’s never been really poor. She’s never had to live without power or food. She’s never had to go to bed hungry. She’s never been without a bed to sleep in. I have. And the thing that really gets me is that there are people who have it a lot worse than I did. To say that poor people deserve no luxuries is to pretty much say that they deserve nothing more than a blanket to sleep with and a pot to piss in. Did I not deserve Christmas and birthday gifts as a child because my parents were bad with money? Did I deserve to go to school in clothes that didn’t fit because food should be more important?

For once, I just wish people would realize the comfortable life they live. I just want people to really think about what they are saying, what they are asking others to give up. I’d love for these people to realize how far ahead they are in the game.

I feel like I’m trying to climb my way out of the hole that life put me in, and as I get closer to the top people higher up feel the need to dump their trash on me and then chastised me for not doing better. I’m so sick of people trampling on me and pushing me down. But I’m not just sick of them doing it to me; I’m sick of them doing it to everyone who has less than them. With smug faces and all.

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*I’m not suicidal. That’s not what I mean by giving up. I mean giving up on trying to succeed.

**If you don’t know why that is significant, read up on when the brain is fully developed. I’ll give you a hint: it happens at age 25, which means that you make better decisions after that. Anyone who is over 25 and has friends under 25 probably understands how pronounced this is. You spend a lot of your time wondering what the fuck that person is thinking.

Finding Me

“You can piss your whole life away trying out who you might be. It’s when you’ve worked out who you are that you can really start to live.” -Being Human (U.K.)

I use to suppress most of my feelings of who I was. It was required for me to continue living as a Christian, as a good daughter, and as someone that everyone approved of. I hated my life back then. I was miserable, and no one cared that I was. I’m sure that most people had no clue that I was so sad, but I can’t help thinking that that is due to the lack of trying to understand what made me happy.

After I left religion, I realized I had a lot to unpack. From shitty beliefs about how evil I was to the self sacrifice that had become routine. I can say now that that was the easy part. I mean, it felt tough at the time. I had to assert myself, which had never been easy for me (always accompanied by guilt). I had to learn to say “I don’t know” and be okay with it (and I really am now).

I learned to live my life more in tune with who I was. For awhile, I had to keep reminding myself I wasn’t a terrible person for wanting to be who I am (I still have to remind myself of that on an almost daily basis). I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past few years, somethings that I knew before and some that I learned through the process.

What I didn’t know until rather recently was that I’m nowhere near the bottom of hidden desires and parts of me. Some of it’s difficult to handle. I still have to live with the people who aren’t happy with the changes I’ve made so far, and that makes me cautious about further changes. On the other hand, I don’t want to stop this journey. I feel better about my life and myself all the time.

I like who I am, even while I’m still discovering who that is. It’s painful to love who you are while others hate you for it. Makes you realize that a lot of people can be extremely selfish. They’ll try to get you to be the person they want you to be because they think their opinion is best. It amazes me how those people in my life never think about the effects of their choice, how unhappy it makes me. It’s made even worse by the fact that these people are close family members that I love. Maybe I’m a little selfish too, but I’m going to continue my journey. I can’t go back to being miserable.

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My Lonely Existence

I lose friends a lot. I don’t like this, but I’ve come to accept that it is a part of life. Why do I lose friends so often? With social problems aside, there does seem to be a common thread: I “make a big deal” about things.

For example, take the case of a friendship that I just recently declared dead (there were some recent signs of life, but it turns out it was just a fluke). I’ll call her Jane. Jane and I had been coworkers. We got along marvelously well for awhile. We talked about religion (both of us weren’t religious) and LBGT rights. Sure, there were things we disagreed on, but that wasn’t a problem. Or at least it wasn’t a problem until I self-labeled myself a feminist. She never seemed okay with that. Feminist were whiny, and no matter how many different ways I explained feminism, she wasn’t budging from that belief. (I would describe her as a feminist because she agrees with the ideals of it, but, you know, she’s “not a feminist.”) We mostly just let that be* and continued our friendship.

Then things started to unravel. A few months ago, Jane posted a joke between her and her mother to Facebook. It was sexist. It contained a hefty amount of the blaming-the-victim mentality. It made sex workers the butt of the joke. So I decided that I couldn’t let it slide. I, and another of her friends, kindly pointed out that this joke wasn’t okay. Yeah…the shit hit the fan. Jane rather indignantly claimed that her joke was perfectly fine and defended why it was okay to make jokes at the expense of others (because they brought it on themselves!!). After that, she disappeared from the discussion and I argued with one of her female friends and Jane’s boyfriend (who promptly called me a psycho for “freaking out on him because he was male”). Jane reappeared to tell us to “knock it off” and reiterate that she was right (cause nothing says “I’m right” like declaring the conversation over and simply dismissing all arguments that you don’t agree with). I did get a sort of apology from her about her boyfriend calling me a psycho, but I had a feeling she was fishing for an apology back. She never got one. I did nothing wrong, and I don’t apologize for caring about something.

She avoided me for a few months. I say “avoided” because she was always “too busy” or made plans to hang out with me just to have something “come up” at the last minute (like a little league game that apparently appeared on her calendar so suddenly that she didn’t have time to tell me she couldn’t make it). Recently, though, she made plans with me and another friend to go out for drinks. I pushed aside the nagging idea that she only included me so as to get the third friend to come along. Just a couple of days later, she invited me to sushi the following week and I thought maybe she’d finally decided to be friends again.

I reached the final straw in our friendship the night we went to sushi. There was suppose to be a big group of us but because of unforeseen circumstances, there ended up being only 4 of us: Jane, her boyfriend (yep, the same one that called me psycho), one of Jane’s friends, and me. I wasn’t exactly happy about having to be in the same room as her boyfriend (made even worse when he said, “I could be a feminist, I could learn to hate myself.”), but I decided to ignore him. Towards the end of the evening, Jane and I were the only two at the table (her friend had left and her boyfriend had gone to the bathroom) and I decided to bring up a topic that had been on my mind: trans rights. The short version is that she declared that people (I’m guessing in this case she meant trans people although she just said “people”) will find any way to be offended and that these groups (again, I think this was mostly aimed at trans groups even though the way she said it could include several disfranchised groups) should stop “making up terms” that make it difficult for people, like her, to use the right one as to not offend them**.

To say I was shocked is an understatement. This is a person whose track record with LGBT issues has been good. It seemed like a complete reversal from previous conversations we had had. She said it so defiantly. This wasn’t a “misunderstanding”; she had taken a position and held it firmly. Everyone else be damned. I knew right then and there our friendship was over. I can’t continue to think highly of someone who feels that their comfort is more important than treating someone with dignity. I can’t be friends with someone who isn’t going to critically analyze their position before haughtily declaring it true.

Am I sad that I lose friends this way? Not much. I lead a pretty lonely existence, but I’d rather have no friends than bad friends. If people think I’m not worth hanging around because I “make a big deal” out of things, that’s their problem. I’m not going to shut up because these topics make you uncomfortable. If I’m wrong, feel free to tell me. But you better have a better argument than “you’re just wrong.” If you’re wrong, I’m going to tell you. And if you can’t handle that, then we shouldn’t be friends. I’ll lose no sleep over it.

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*Pretty much we would have conversations about issues of sexism and would agree on everything, but once I brought up feminism she would stop talking or change the subject.
**Gotta say, I haven’t really had a problem with this. Yes, I’ve made mistakes before I understood why a term was offensive, but I take the time to understand the correct terms and how to use them. It doesn’t take that much time and added effort. Mostly, it just means trying to think about other people and their rights and feelings instead of just my own.