So I want to rant. *clears throat* (This should be read in a voice like those drug commercials when they’re telling you all the side effects that you might experience while taking the medicine.) Warning: This post may suffer from incoherence for two reasons: [1] it is an unplanned rant, and, therefore I’m not sure how much control I’ll have over the flow of ideas contain in it; [2] I am currently suffering a cold and my mind is in a fog. Read at your own risk.
I’m single. I’ve always been single. When people hear this they usually ask me why I’ve never been in a relationship (which is code for “What’s wrong with you?”), tell me they’re sorry, or start asking me about my sexual past (because if you have never dated but have had sex then you might be okay, as long as if you’re female you don’t have “too much” sex, but if you haven’t had sex at all there is definitely something wrong, unless you’re celibate for religious/spiritual/moral reasons)*.
In the past, I’ve felt bad about my lack of dating relationships. I’ve dealt with low self-esteem all of my life and not having a partner seemed to prove how worthless I was. No one could want someone like me. However, looking back now, I realize that this is not true since I actually turned down dates with people I wasn’t interested in.
A few years ago I decided to try online dating. I’m not entirely sure now what my motivation was for it. I think I felt pressure to be in a relationship from family and friends. I was also convinced that to be happy I needed someone to “love” in my life. After a couple years and a few different sites, it led to one (awful) date. Let’s just say that it was clear he didn’t want to be there and with my social awkwardness I couldn’t find the courage to just say “Dude, if you want to leave it won’t hurt my feelings.”
But I learned something from that one terrible date: I didn’t really care about being in a relationship, others did. In fact, I’m genuinely happy being single. I like not having to think about someone else when I make decisions about what I want to do for Friday night, the weekend, the summer. I like having my own space and not sharing a bed. Lonely? Not at all, I still have friends and family to share my life with. And love? I’ve got tons of it. From my close friends to my nieces, I love a lot of people. Why designate the word “love” to only one specific type?
Since coming to the happily single camp, I’ve found that time and again I have to defend myself against those who claim that anyone who is “happy being single” is just trying to cover their bitterness about being alone**. People tend to respond my claim that I’m happily single with “Oh yeah, I was ‘happily’ single until I met _______ and realized just how sad and lonely I was.”
And what frustrates me the most is the single women who claim to be happy but pine after a relationship. Seriously, I’m tired of my female friends who get out of bad relationships claiming that they “just want to be single for awhile and not search for a relationship” and then ask every person who shows even the slightest bit of interest in them “where is this going?” All the while claiming that they’re happy being single. Obviously, you’re not so just stop claiming that you are. You make it even more difficult for people like me who are dismissed because “no one is truly happy being single.”
No, I’m not “waiting for the right one”. I’m not happily single because it’s the only option for me at this moment. Yes, I might at some point choose to enter a relationship (I can’t predict the future and I have nothing against romantic relationships in general). But I really do enjoy being single at the moment. Since I no longer feel the need to grasp for romantic relationships, I’ve found that I get to connect with more people because I’m not focused on whether they’re going to be someone I want to date. And I’ve learned to accept who I am and not worry about what a partner might not like about me.
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*To be honest, I’ve never understood the implied connection between whether a person has had sex and their worth as an individual.
**Because given our culture’s focus on getting married and having children being the appropriate path for adulthood, being single= loneliness.
Some Things are Random 