Depression sucks.
It especially sucks when it gets in the way of your life. It’s my last week of the school term. I have things that need to be done, classes to pass. I don’t have the energy or motivation to do any of it. I barely can find the will to still go to school every day. It helps that I really like school and it is the only good thing in my life right now.
The biggest problem is that I can’t afford to fail, or even get low grades, in my classes because I’m graduating and transferring to a university. I have a scholarship that is dependent on my GPA. I’m on the cusp of dropping below the requirement.
You know what I really hate about this depression? I should be so happy right now. I’m the first of my family to earn a college degree. I was just given the Outstanding English Student of the Year award from my school. I’ve earned the praise of several of my professors for my writing and other schoolwork. Why am I not happy?
I’m trapped in a world I don’t know how to get out of. I love my family, but I’m beginning to question whether they love me. They say they do, but they don’t show it. I can’t remember the last time someone asked me what I needed. Every time I try to tell them what I need, they get mad. They feel I’m being mean, putting them down. Is it any wonder that I dream about being free from them? Longing for a day when I can pretend they don’t exist.
I wonder what it is all worth. My family only cares about me succeeding so they can brag. I have a sister who thinks I’m the worst person in the world simply because of who I am. Because I value knowledge, which apparently makes me pretentious although I’ve never claimed to be better than anyone. Because I don’t accept her idea of what I should do with my life. I have family members who tell me I’m stupid, mean, and going to hell just because I no longer believe in God. Because I question the value of religion. Because I don’t think that the religious are above reproach.
I’m not happy. I use to be. Maybe a part of me still is. I still believe in myself and love who I am. I don’t regret any decision I’ve made. I’m excited about my future.
I just wish I could get rid of the negative influences in my life. I don’t know how to do that.
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